Finding Myself OMG: A Bullshit Quest

Well, where do I start? I'm struggling, I suppose, to find out who I am outside of who my parents want me to be, who my friends want me to be, or who my own perfectionist tendencies (totally personified) want me to be. I don't know if this blog will really document my progress in, ahem, coming of age, or if it will just basically be a place for me to vent and blab about nothing. We shall see.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

I just... don't know.

This is very discouraging. The sun is shining. It's warm. Spring is here. But I feel like shit still. Physically, and moreover, emotionally, I'm just a wreck. I don't know what I want, I don't know how to do what I need to do, I don't know what's wrong with me, I don't know fucking anything.

I'm basically this mess of anxiety and depression, and no wonder my stomach is killing me, it's probably all connected to what's going on in my head.

I just feel so worthless, and directionless, and like I'm a failure as a student and a person.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

Even a string of gratuitous swear words doesn't seem to help. Nothing helps. I'm lost. I thought I was doing better, and in general, I am doing better, but today I just want to curl up around my bloated belly and DIE.

Sorry to burden the internets with my stupidity.

4 Comments:

  • At 3:27 PM, Blogger Lydia said…

    Wow Mar, we must be linked souls because I am feeling exactly the same way today. Oh well. I can tell you that from my perspective you're smart and creative and a kind person with a great deal to contribute. I know it's difficult to see that from inside, really. But that's my take.

     
  • At 6:53 PM, Blogger Marcia said…

    Thanks, Lyd. We are linked souls. I appreciate your perspective even though it's hard to absorb into mine. *hugs you* Feel better, babe, and I will try to do the same.

     
  • At 7:32 PM, Blogger Lydia said…

    Love you Mar, wish we could hang out tonight or something, I know that would make us feel better.

     
  • At 12:26 AM, Blogger Marcia said…

    Yeah, I wish we could hang out too. Get tea or go to B&N or chill at Rec or play tennis or even just sit in one of our cars and talk. I miss you!!! You always make me feel better. :)

     

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