Finding Myself OMG: A Bullshit Quest

Well, where do I start? I'm struggling, I suppose, to find out who I am outside of who my parents want me to be, who my friends want me to be, or who my own perfectionist tendencies (totally personified) want me to be. I don't know if this blog will really document my progress in, ahem, coming of age, or if it will just basically be a place for me to vent and blab about nothing. We shall see.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Weighty matters.

I have a lot to say, since I haven't blogged in an age. But I don't really want to start with anything too intense tonight. So I'm going to talk about my weight.

Oh my god, I'm such a girl. Don't look at me, I'm FAT.

But seriously, there is something majorly funky going on with my weight. I'm not normally the type of girl who is obsessive about how much she weighs. I don't weigh myself that regularly, because, for the last couple years at least, my weight has remained right around 130 pounds. Occasionally, it will dip down to 128 or ride up to 132, but it's always in the same ballpark.

Now, whenever my friends would ask how much I weigh and I would tell them 130, they'd be like "Oh my god! That's not bad at all!" as if they expected me to weigh more. Which, well, I guess I understand, because I'm one of those short, curvy girls. Extremely short (4 foot 11) and extremely curvy (boobs and hips both). My butt is about two sizes larger than my waist, so I always have trouble finding pants that fit me right (besides always having to shorten even the ones that are supposedly made for short people), and I have breasts that are, well, they've been called my best feature by some of my less tactful male friends. It's not like they're THAT big (36 C) but they're very round and perky... there's virtually no sag. I like my boobs. They're one part of my body that I have a positive opinion of. Anyway, yeah, they're not that big, but I guess they look bigger on such a short girl.

(I can't believe I just spent practically a whole paragraph talking about my breasts. *blushes*)

Anyway, I've never subscribed to the whole idea that a girl has to be stick thin to be attractive. Plus, I know it's not realistic for me. When I was in high school, I actually weighed 110 pounds. I didn't look that much different. I was still curvy. There was just a difference in the amount of the curves. And my boobs were smaller. They didn't really come in fully until last year, although I've weight around 130 since senior year of high school, after my first illness.

There are always things I'd like to change about my body, of course. I like my boobs, I've got a decent booty if you like big butts and cannot lie, but I always think my stomach is too round and my thighs are too thick and flabby. But generally, I'm content.

And then about two or three weeks ago, I started feeling really really really huge. Having trouble fitting in to my clothes, plus just feeling enormous and whale-like. So I stepped on the scale and it said, get this, 140. Now I know I said I don't weigh myself regularly, but I'd done it about a week before and it had been the usual (131 I think). So I kind of panicked. I hadn't been eating anymore than usual, or anything particularly bad for me, and well I wasn't Miss Fitness, I was excercising about as much as I usually do. So I told my mom, and she said, you'd better go see the doctor.

So I went to the doctor, and I had gained 13 pounds since the last time I was there, which was a month ago. My doctor thought it was the combination of my birth control pills and my antidepressants, so she took me off the birth control and switched antidepressants, and told me to come back in two weeks. That was on a Friday.

My mom and I bought a new digital scale on Monday, because we our old one was pretty busted and I wanted an accurate account of how much weight I was gaining or losing. On Monday, it said 144.0. It kept steadily getting higher over the week, until on Friday it was at 148.0. Then it dropped down to 147.6 on Saturday, 145.4 on Sunday, and then yesterday morning it was 140.5. Okay, and then here's the really ridiculous part--- not that I lost five pounds in a day but then it went back up to 148.0 today! Eight fucking pounds. Eight fucking pounds!!! There is something not right here.

I'm eating healthy (no junk food, lots of fruits and vegetables) and in moderation and excercising. What the fuck is wrong with me?!! I'm going back to the doctor's on Friday, so hopefully we can figure out what's going on. Meanwhile, hypochondriac that I am, I'm convinced I have some sort of truly terrible disease.

Basically I just feel like shit on a stick. A fat stick.

Other symptoms: my whole body aches like a motherfucker (which is nothing new, could just be the fibromyalgia), I'm constantly tired but I can't get to sleep, and I feel like I have to pee all the time, but most of the time nothing comes out. Oh, and I crave salt. Seriously. The other day I wanted salt but wasn't hungry to eat any actual food, so I licked my arm and put salt on it like I was doing freaking tequila shots, but THERE WAS NO LIQUOR. Also, I'm really cold all the time, but sweaty. I'm always in like this chilled sweat state. And I'm thirsty all the time, too.

So, peoples of the internet, do YOU have any idea what's wrong with me?

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  • At 10:03 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Couldn't stop reading your work when I came to it... wanted to say I enjoy your written voice.
    Also, check your thyroid!
    Sounds like hypothyroidism.
    Much luck.


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